Most of my blogs have been pretty positive, optimistic and fun but it’s not always roses and sunshine.

There are days that I’m down or have self doubt. I’ve had times where I have neglected some quality time with my family because I’ve been so focused. Then feel that guilt that I’m putting myself first which I’ve never done before.

Family first is so important and I’d hate to think that I’m even attempting to change that priority, I’m not. I just want to find that balance where I can take care of myself and be happy and help my family as well, equally. I want my husband and my daughter to love life, learn, be healthy, happy and enjoy as much as possible. I don’t want any of this to interfere with our harmony at home but sometimes it does. I’m going through some massive life lessons and it’s confusing at times. I’ve lost myself for so long and only thought of myself as a mom, nothing else. Now that I’m trying to find that balance of me incorporating everything that I am and accepting myself, being happy with myself and everything in it it’s been a bit of a ride.

I’ve had days where I’ve broken down (started when the actual pictures of me in shorts and sports bra was put up on the site showing my fluffyness) man that hit me like a ton of bricks….. that was a lesson and a half. So much went through my mind.

First it was shock, do I really look like that? I always pictured myself to look the way I used to when I was training. So strange. Reality…. Then I was wondering if anyone would give me a hard time at work or snicker about how much weight I was carrying. I’m glad to say that didn’t happen. Then I was horrified that I would embarrass my family or my daughter. What I really wanted to do, the message that I wanted to get out was this is who I am and this is what I look like and I should be confident no matter which size, also that I was determined to get into shape to be healthy so I can live for a very long time and not go down the same path that my mom did. I wanted to show that I’ve learned from her life lessons even if she has trouble learning the same.

That something positive came from so many years of her own struggle. Because I’ve been digging into my own fears and past challenges present challenges I’ve become a bit more distant at times with my husband. It’s not intentional and I had no idea that I was doing this, I’ve been preoccupied with making sure the family duties are being taken care of, that none of that slips, that I’m working out during hours where everyone is still sleeping so the routine doesn’t change.

That all of my filming and blogging takes place on my lunch hour so my work schedule doesn’t change and in short………..I’m exhausted. I have to realize that I can’t hold everything tight in my hand and control everything.

Sometimes it’s ok that the house isn’t immaculate, sometimes it’s ok if we eat dinner late, sometimes its ok that a blog isn’t done on time. Even writing that I get tense. It’s not ok I want everything to not be affected but really it’s life it’s going to be affected, we have to work together as a family to succeed.

I need my husband and my daughters support. I need to work with them to find a happy medium as long as I’m getting positive support returned. I can’t find the balance alone. There is going to have to be a compromise from all of us to make it work.

Then there’s guilt…..a mothers guilt…..how dare I focus on triathlon when I have a family to take care of. It eats me to the core. What pulls me out of that is I want to be healthy, driven and happy. I want to be a good role model. But maybe I didn’t discuss it enough with the family before I jumped on board. Maybe I just saw it and grabbed it and didn’t get enough feedback from them. It all happened so fast.

My dad said to me last night that things are never as bad as how we think they are. That I shouldn’t take it all so seriously, that it’s fun, break it down to what’s really happening. Well, if I did that then really I’m sitting at my desk writing, nothing is different. I’ll take a 5K run today, that’s normal. Get my hair cut after work. That’s pretty basic. Go home, make dinner, play some fun games with my daughter, ok, I’m calm now. It’s all ok.

BUT when I’m getting my hair cut I’m getting it cut really short aaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s going to be platinum, pink and purple……… ok I’m stressing again. That’s not a mom haircut. That’s a hairstyle I used to have back in the day. I wanted something fun. Something wild. Something that would look so cool sticking out of a bike helmet. And I need it short for swimming. I feel like I have a mop on the top of my head. Is it bad to have a wild hairstyle and be a mom?

I’m thinking too much. It’s going to be fun. But again, I didn’t talk about it with my family first. Or should I have? I was thinking it’s my hair I’m just going to get it done and I’m pretty excited about it but I should have gotten their 2 cents on it. I’m going to be walking around the grocery store with my daughter, they are going to be looking at me for most of the day. I feel pretty bad that I made the decision without their feedback. I need to stop and think and make family decisions.

But then another part of me says, “it’s hair, don’t worry about it, do what you want” again, I’m thinking too much………..and I have to realize that I can’t please everyone all the time.